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“Doc, do they make a cream for this?”

14 May

If you run in certain circles long enough, you are likely to contract a dangerous malady known as the Acquisition Disorder (AD). There are several varieties of AD that one might develop. Ranging from RAD (Razor Acquisition Disorder) to SBAD (Shaving Brush Acquisition Disorder), there are certain warning signs to watch out for. If you experience any of the following, seek professional help immediately:

  1. Excitement upon seeing shaving related implements on television or in movies.
  2. An irresistable desire to own a pet badger.
  3. An urge to collect your spouse’s hair clippings for “DIY brush purposes”
  4. An inability to avoid turning into antique stores/ junk shops/ flea markets because, “You never know, they might have a tan-tipped Super Speed.”
  5. The list of chemists/pharmacies that have banned you for opening and sniffing the after shave selection has moved into the double digits.
  6. You watch movies because you heard there was a scene with a straight razor in it.
  7. When you hear the name Simpson’s you don’t think of that little yellow brat and his balding father.
  8. You know what year and quarter a G2 SS is, without looking it up.
  9. You have a definite opinion on hanging strops vs. paddle strops.
  10. You know what hanging strops and paddles strops are.
  11. You’ve ever searched in vain at your local hardware store for a 4k whetstone.
  12. You can tell the difference between an “Isreali Red Pack” and “Swede” by smell alone.
  13. Your pillow talk is peppered with references to Derbies, American Personnas, and Dorcos.
  14. You’ve entered into hour long debates on whether or not Old Spice changed the formula.
  15. You know who used to produce Old Spice.
  16. You know the connection between Duracell batteries and razor blades.
  17. You’ve seen a picture of a monkey shaving it’s legs.
  18. You know the difference between Best, Pure, and Silvertip.
  19. You’ve bought multiple Burmashave brushes just because Walmart had them on clearance for a buck apiece.
  20. You miss the glass bottle with dimples.
  21. You’ve sought to buy a puck of Uncle Albert’s Amazing Solid Cream Shaving Cake

These are just a few of the symptoms that accompany the many Acquisition Disorders. Treatments are available, but as of yet, there is no cure. The best advice that I can offer is to familiarize yourself with the condition and learn to embrace living as an outcast from society. This disease might cause you to encourage every living soul you meet to try “wet-shaving.” This may cause problems in personal relationships, especially with hirsute friends. Should you encounter people who are not understanding of your affliction, politely avail yourself of the earliest opportunity to part ways with them, they are not truly wise, nor are they likely to see why you would need three different scuttles, twelve brushes, 27 glycerin soaps, 14 fatboys, 28 superspeeds, 3 Kronas, 1 Stahly, a towel warmer…

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6 responses to ““Doc, do they make a cream for this?”

  1. Lucy

    May 14, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    I guess you don’t have a beard then?!

     
  2. gentlemanbeggar

    May 14, 2008 at 10:20 pm

    Actually, I do keep a Van Dyke, and a handlebar moustache. Handlebar moustaches are fun for the whole family!

     
  3. sol92258

    May 16, 2008 at 9:52 am

    why must you model so many of your entries based on me?!?!
    πŸ™‚

     
  4. gentlemanbeggar

    May 16, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Well, when I googled mental disorders on the internet…

     
  5. cylis007

    May 25, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    Can you die from this? I must have over half of the symptoms that you have mention. I am depressed now. What can I take for that?

     

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