Ours has been, as of late, a tenuous relationship. Since Seinfeld left you, you just haven’t been the same. I have found my interest in you waining over the last several years, and have had little reason to visit with you. You continue to hang out with people like Traci Morgan, Alec Baldwin, and Tina Fey, and I can’t really condone that. I won’t even mention what you do on Saturday nights! Let’s just say that I, and a whole lot of other sensible people, don’t find it funny, and we wish you would change something. The whole “situation” with the guy with the gigantic chin and the other guy with the freakish red hair a few weeks ago hasn’t help your image any. Now you’re saying I can’t even watch your redheaded kid do his amazing stunts in the backyard unless I put on special silver clothes. This wouldn’t be so bad, but you’ve been putting up fliers all over town bragging about how awesome your child is. Do you know how uncomfortable those special clothes are? My friend Linus can barely even wear them!! Poor Mr. Toorvalds, I bet he’d enjoy watching Shaun’s magic show. I’m very disappointed in you, NBC–very disappointed, indeed.
I can’t be your friend until you change,