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Monthly Archives: May 2009

Equal Rights for Men

I think she might be on to something.

Click here to read Jodi Kasten’s post Equal Rights for Men.

When you’ve finished, come back here and read Father Knows Bupkis.

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Posted by on May 27, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

Attention Burger King:

The thumb is wrong.
Spock
That is all.
submit to reddit

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

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This is Not Your Father’s Shaving Advice Part 4

Everyone’s favorite Uncle is back with some more shaving tips. This still isn’t your father’s shaving advice.

1. Baby Bear’s bed was juuuuust right.
Often times, it can be difficult to get your lather to the right consistency, and thus your shave turns out miserable. The problem may not be your soap/cream, technique, or razor. Check your water. It could be that you have “hard” water. You needn’t run out and buy a water softening system (though Uncle Albert hears they are nice); you can simply add a little baking soda to your sink/tub. About a cup to a tub, or a few tablespoons to the sink. Just don’t slip in the tub!

2. Dick Tracy Villains Inquire Within.
Your face is like rubber. It bends, it stretches, and it snaps more or less back into place. This makes it hard to get a super close shave sometimes. You know that spot under your jawline that just sort of squishes around when you run your razor over it? Pull your skin tight, move that spot up over your jawline if necessary. You might try making an “O” with your mouth to get the skin on your cheeks to pull tight enough. Don’t be afraid of looking like Jim Carey, it’s just you and the mirror.

3. Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog.
Sometimes, you just can’t pull your skin tight enough to get that weird spot on your neck. Try tucking your chin down toward your chest, and puffing out your jowls. This might make you look like a bullfrog, but it might help you get that tricky patch.

4. Let me bend your ear.
Head shaver? Getting that patch behind your ears is a delicate situation sometimes. Try folding the top of your ear down so you can get in nice and close, while protecting the soft fleshy part of the thing you hear with. If you’re shaving with a DE, don’t forget that the razor has a blade edge on both sides! Few things bleed like a sliced ear.

5. “Manscaping”
If you haven’t encountered a discussion on this concept yet, you will. It is, at best, an indelicate topic. Just remember a few key things. Pull your skin tight, be careful, leave some around the outer edges, and don’t follow up with a splash of Pinaud’s Bay Rum.

6. How’s it hangin’?
How do you store your shave brush? Some say bristles down is the only safe way, others say bristles up is a-okay. Uncle albert hasn’t noticed much difference, and the truth is, you likely won’t either. Everyone has their theories on why they store their brush in the manner of their choosing. Nobody’s right. Nobody’s wrong. Store it how you like.

7. Gee, Bert, You need to pluck!
Got a monobrow? Pluck it. I know there’s a temptation to shave that little area, but the irritation from the razor will be up-front and annoying. Man up, grab the tweezers, and yank out those hairs.

8. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink!
Water is your friend when it comes to wetshaving. You want lots of moisture to help the razor glide over your skin. Water is also great for your skin. It’s the original moisturizer. Water is, however, bad for your blade. Be sure and shake your blade dry when you’ve finished rinsing it off. Rust is a nasty thing to have scraping on your skin.

9. A generation apart.
This is isn’t really shaving advice, but more like parenting advice (from your childless Uncle, no less). Let your kid see you shave (Unless of course, you’re experimenting with #5–Shaving lessons should not induce the need for therapy). He’ll be fascinated, and he’ll be super amused at the way you look like Jim Carey swallowed a bullfrog as you gurn at the mirror.

10. Pardon me, Ma’am.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that women shave too. More and more ladies have learned to love the DE experience. When you’re roaming around on the shaving forums, don’t forget that guys. Ladies, see the above advice. One day, your daughter will thank you for teaching her how to shave her legs.

So there it is folks. The fourth installment in Uncle Albert’s Amazing Shaving advice. Try not to scar your face, try not to scar your children, and enjoy your shave!

 

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My Fanfic Moment Chapter 18

Well, some of you have been waiting for quite a while for the next chapter in my little fan fiction project, I hope this chapter was worth the wait.  The usual warnings about language and violence apply.  Story after the click.

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Posted by on May 12, 2009 in fan fiction, fiction, writing

 

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Creepy Trees

It seems that a disproportionate amount of the traffic that comes to my blog is via google images.  Apparently, there are a lot of you out there seeking a quality picture of the Afroed wonder himself, Mr. “Happy Trees” Bob Ross.  With no real reason to back up my views, I suspect that a great many of the people looking for pictures of the curly coifed cancer victim are doing so while under the influence of “left handed” cigarettes.  So, it’s to these seekers, I dedicate this image (Be sure and click it to behold it’s true terror awesomeness!)

Be sure and click the image!Be sure and click the image!

 

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